That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
