first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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