i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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