I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
