Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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