I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize