dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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