Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
