i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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