he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
