It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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