I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
and you fell through a lawn chair
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
