i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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