I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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