Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
im holly from the hills drunk
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
