Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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