Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
