well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
