My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
