Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
