On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
