the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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