i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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