Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
