She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
