you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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