Betty ford says i'm here all night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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