Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
