dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
