god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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