wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
