guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
