Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
