watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
