he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
