I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
