dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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