These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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