I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
