There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
