Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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