He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
