why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
