I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
