they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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