Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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