At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
