I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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