Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
