He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
