Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize