i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
