If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
