i wish there were pregnant emoticons
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
