i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
