my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Also, beer. Big fan.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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