If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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