Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
it's like heaven, but drunker
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
