i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
